i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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