Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
