i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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