dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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