Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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