Define "chronic" masturbator.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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