She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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