My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
