And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
