Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
