i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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