I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
