my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
