$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
