I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
