i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
