dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I understand Curling. That high.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
