I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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