I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
