When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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