The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
