and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
