You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
my poor anus
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
