My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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