my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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