I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
