Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
