My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
