The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
soo... how was my night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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