the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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