can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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