My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
