remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish you could order shots online.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
