she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
