Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
