also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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