Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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