Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
