If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
