I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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