worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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