Pants 0. Shit 1.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
