Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
