I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
