Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
