All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
