I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
