Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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