It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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