He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
