I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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