I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
