I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
